You are in a pub. Your right elbow is on the bar, your left hand holding a drink. Your friend is talking to you, but you are not listening. Something funny that happened to him at work. You always listen, but today you don't. Sometimes you stare him, sometimes you look behind him. But you do not see him; you see nothing. This time you need to be listened.
You remember what happened last day at home. Your eyes are veiled and you remind everything like a dream. You drink, but it is hard to swallow. Suddenly, teardrops grow from the bottom of your stomach up to your eyes. You always offer your shoulder to get wet by tears; but now you need someone's shoulder wet. Others use you to unburden themselves; in this moment you need others to do yourself.
You are not used to be on this side, and you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, nervous,... After a lifetime swallowing all shit from others you think it is enough. You need to scream, cry, run,... You hardly swallow again.
It is the fair thing. It's time to receive what you have been given to anyone who asked you. Why you need to convince yourself? Why you need to think about it so much? They do not.
It's not about trusting someone. Or maybe it is. Maybe you did it before and they hurt you. And you did it again; a second chance granted. And many other chances after these. So you become more and more mistrusted.
A word is born in your throat and run up to your mouth. You breath deep and countdown: three... two... one. You are about to say it.
And then you smile and talk:
To be continued...
